While the cliché, “It’s lonely at the top,” is well known, many leaders are still surprised when they encounter the truth of this in their own leadership journey. In its 2013 report, Stepping Up to CEO, the School for CEOs reports that loneliness and isolation were some of the biggest challenges leaders face.
When asked about leadership preparedness, one CEO responded, “I’m not sure that people are fully prepared for the loneliness of the role of being a CEO until they get there.” 1
There are several reasons why it’s lonely at the top:
- The ultimate responsibility of the company rests on your shoulders. Consequently, you must know things others don’t need to know, and carry things that they can’t.
- Some people will resent your role because they want it.
- Others will assume you have it easy, and push you away.
- Many people will blame you for the pains of their lives.
- You are afraid of the #2’s and #3’s in the organization, and you don’t want to lower your guard.
- Because you like to control your world and protect your autonomy, you inevitably push others back three paces.
The roots of leadership loneliness, therefore, are varied. Some of the roots are simply a part of the job. Others are a product of the sinfulness and frailty of human beings. Jealousy, resentment, accusation, fear, avarice, and greed can pull leaders toward isolation.
Why are loneliness and isolation dangerous for leaders?
Space doesn’t permit us to identify all the inventive ways leaders destroy themselves—as well as their loved ones, organizations, and the livelihood and savings of many—by mishandling their loneliness. If we’re honest, each one of us is an expert on this subject. We know the role that our own isolation plays in our failures.
Without anyone close enough to speak the truth, isolated leaders can tell themselves:
- They deserve special privileges—it’s easy to feel special when everybody says, “yes.”
- They’re above the law.
- They won’t get caught, they can walk on water, and they can negotiate around the law of gravity.
What is dangerous about untended leadership loneliness is the havoc an isolated leader can wreck. We can’t handle the pressures, temptations, and problems of leadership by ourselves. We require help.
What helps to bring a lonely and isolated leader back to life?
- Wise and loving friends—we can’t navigate life’s challenges without them.
- A coach or mentor—a trusted coach or mentor has valuable experience and is familiar with the kinds of pressures we bear.
- Physical exercise—we must work off our stress.
- Spiritual exercise—we must cultivate our heart and soul. Courage, integrity, kindness, and calm come from the inside of a life that is whole.
- The decision to not live for self—there’s no helping an isolated and lonely leader who is selfish. Deciding to live for others is much of the battle.
One of the hardest truths about leadership—and part of the reason that “it’s lonely at the top”—is that we leaders must lead ourselves. Whining that we don’t have trusted friends, or mentors, or any of the other resources we need, is a leadership disqualifier. Leaders take responsibility. We must lead ourselves to the people we need, reach out, ask for help, get a coach, crawl out of bed early to feed our soul, and remind ourselves that we don’t exist for ourselves.
Here are three ideas to get started if you’re facing leadership isolation:
- Go through your most recent yearbooks, looking for people you were close to and trusted in school. Search for them using Google, Facebook, or LinkedIn, and identify any who are now leaders. You might ask, “What have you found that helps you handle the pressures?” If they respond with, “What pressures?” move on; they can’t help you. If they say something like, “I know what you mean; something I do that helps is…” then consider taking a second step. Ask them if they are available to sit down for an evening, over dinner, and compare notes—friend-to-friend.
- Do an inventory of the leaders in your region who have 20+ years on you. Think about what you observe in them, and very carefully sort them out, putting the “Graceful, wise, good, kind, and thoughtful” ones onto a short list. Ask yourself, “Which one of these would I like to have a cup of coffee with?” Then reach out. “I’m growing in my leadership,” is a great way to start, “and I’m reaching out to a few people I look up to. May I have 45 minutes of your time to ask you a few questions?” Then prepare well, treat their time respectfully, and see how it goes. If it goes well, you might ask them if they would be willing to do it again, say in another few months.
- Join a professional mentoring or coaching group. These are great places to connect with executive peers who share your same challenges. At the Center for Serving Leadership, our regional cohorts meet once a month for six months. Throughout this time, participants walk through the 5 Actions of a Serving LeaderSM, and are coached in how to embed each action into the culture of their business. Participants gain valuable insight, sharpen their leadership skills, and build valuable friendship with other leaders in the community.
There is no expectation that leaders are invincible and should not be well cared for. No expectation that a leader doesn’t have a need for true friends, or should only have one mentor. There is an expectation, however, that leaders must take the initiative to search for these things, to discern good from bad, and to find the friends, mentors, and coaches that we need.
1 School For CEOs (2013). Stepping Up To CEO: Preparing For The Role Of Chief Executive. Retrieved from https://www.schoolforceos.com/assets/Downloads/Stepping-up-to-CEO-Research-Report.pdf